I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
People in love make me want to vomit
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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