Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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