My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
