It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
