He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
