I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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