shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
