ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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