Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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