I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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