My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Randomize
