no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
