If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
