Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
