So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
