Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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