I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
