Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
