Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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