When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
