they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
