we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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