and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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