Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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