I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
