I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
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WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
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I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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