it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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