dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
