No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
