my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
