K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
