Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just had sex on a roof
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
