I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
