I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
