I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
