I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
