I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
