you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
