Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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