Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's shark week go big or go home
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
