It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
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He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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