Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
