Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
