Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
