I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
