is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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