I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
