i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
