I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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