okay pat passed out under dana's car
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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