so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
