I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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