i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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