Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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