masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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