Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
