you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
