If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
