better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
