the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
