he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
