remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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